I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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