I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
