so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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