Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
