Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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