So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
