need another drink. this is the easiest way
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
