You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
