alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sext me about skeletons
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
