I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
