my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
either way he was missing a nipple.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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