I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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