??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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