Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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