woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
