So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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