Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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