last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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