I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
