Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
