someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
