So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
