I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize