do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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