I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
how do flat chested girls get laid?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize