um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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