You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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