some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
