I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
