once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize