Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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