I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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