I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
