Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
