I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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