I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
