Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
