He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
