I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
