I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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