im drinking this country out of the recession.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
