I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
