My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
