you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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