i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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