At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize