Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
