New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it hurts more in the daytime
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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