I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
