I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just pynch a tree in the face
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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