took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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