I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
