watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
