I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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