went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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