Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
