today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
