So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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