her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
