If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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